Remember how I wanted more from X? I wanted a future with him but did he want the same? I wish, at the time, I could say he wanted the same but that wasn’t the case. I had spent years trying to do better and be better for him to want me the same way as I wanted him. I tried to say what I thought he wanted to hear, dress how I believed he wanted me to dress, act as "perfectly" as I could for him. I catered to him, whatever he wanted I did, I spent tons of money on him. I thought that if I did all these things that he would want me to be his future wife. I essentially was changing myself to convince him to want to be with me which pushed him away and led him In the opposite direction.
We eventually parted ways and I lost who I once was even more so. I had zero self esteem. Zero confidence. I lacked all respect for myself. If I couldn't love myself how could anyone else? I knew that thought process but it didn't help get me unstuck from the loneliness and despair I felt. During those years of trying to "convince" X to be with me I went through something traumatic for me that no one knows about except him and I plus my best friend (at the time). That traumatic event along with losing X from my life changed the course of my life forever.